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" By David Sheffield FADE IN: INTERIOR: THE COMPSON HOUSE â€â€? DAY She (the old woman, Mrs CURLY: Hellooooo Winning Entry at Faulkner Contest Jul 23, 12:00 PM EST The winning entry in the 15th annual Faux Faulkner parody contest, "As I Lay Kvetching," David Sheffield's answer to the literary question: What if William Faulkner had written a script for the Three Stooges? "As I Lay Kvetching, by William Faulkner â€â€? Stooges Episode 1632; Revisions by Mort Freberg, Abe Shineman, Paul DeMarco, Curtis Ney; Eighth Draft, August 12, 1941 We are Howards and you are only a Fine, and being a Fine, you are not fit to regard us with anything more than sullen trepidation Let's break for lunch MOE: Spread out! With his pliers Moe grasps his brother's nose, twisting his nostrils inside out FADE OUT Compson) could only pray that they (the stooges) could refurbish and thereby sanctify it (the foyer) which now suspired with the age-old effluvia of honor and sacrifice and obduracy, still redolent with the wretched sweet scent of inviolability which they (her father and her father's brothers, whose boots these stooges were unworthy to suck even so much as the laces of) had impressed into the very grain of the cypress balustrade upon which he, Moe, the eldest, now knocks â€â€? not obeisantly, not malevolently either, but indolently We got work to do LARRY: Hey! He didn't do nothin'! MOE: Oh, yeah? Sez who? (This is not for you to judge or even acknowledge, this grievance between Curly and me, but is an old blood enmity which only we Howards can comprehend, while you, being a Fine, cant begin to plumb the depths of it LARRY: Helloooo ) Now get going, lame brain Hearing no response, they break into something resembling song: MOE: Helloooo That is it Compson) had spent the better part of the morning waiting for them (the workmen) to arrive, yet they had not come; and when at length they drew the wagon into the yard and tied the mules beneath the scattershot shade of the water oak and climbed down amid the dust and moiling dogs to survey the house, she perceived to her dismay that they were stooges: two of whom were brothers (Moe and Curly Howard) and a third (Larry Fine) who claimed no part of their lineage but who was nonetheless of their ilk; come to wait, slack-jawed and splayfooted, before the great stair which led to the room where she (the old woman, Mrs ALL THREE: Hello! CURLY: Nobody's home At last it is Curly who picks up the plank, rough hewn and smelling of sweet gum, and â€â€? feeling the weight and heft and fiber of it â€â€? swings it innocently (bending to retrieve the tool, the ball-peen hammer dropped casually on Larry's toe) and feeling the awful force of the blow as it (the plank) catches Moe upside his head and hearing the dreadful thunk of wood against bone and sinew, a sound the like of which he has not heard since his uncle (Irving) took them (Curly and Moe) to the park where he (the uncle, Irving) slapped with the blade of an oar the rotting rind of an overripe musk melon Nyuh, nuyk, nyuk CURLY: Woob, woob, woob, woob, woob Compson) had retired; come with paints and pots of glue and damask wallpaper to cover them (the walls) afresh, while she (the old woman, Mrs MOE: Ix-nay! Put that away, numbskull! Then Moe, aiming his extended fore and middle fingers, thrusting them into Curly's eye sockets, heedless of the pain or even the surcease of sight this might inflict CURLY: La dee, la dah AFI Gives Heston Award Named for Him Sep 24, 9:20 PM EST And the first-ever Charlton Heston award goes to Then the head of the National Rifle Association, Heston allowed Moore into his home for an interview, curtly walking off when Moore began confronting him with blunt questions about gun violence Heston, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, received the award at his home Tuesday " Last year, Heston became an unwitting cast member in another Oscar winner, Michael Moore's gun-control critique "Bowling for Columbine," which won the best documentary award "For decades, he has been a major presence in movies and television around the world, and his strong spirit of commitment to AFI lives on through this honor," said Howard Stringer, AFI board chairman Charlton Heston Other notable movies include "The Ten Commandments," "Planet of the Apes" and "The Omega Man The American Film Institute announced Wednesday it has presented Heston with the new award named in his honor, intended to acknowledge people who have made distinguished contributions to movies and television and the AFI itself Heston won the best actor Academy Award for 1959's "Ben-Hur" and received an honorary Oscar in 1978 for his humanitarian efforts He also was president of the Screen Actors Guild from 1965-71 The Charlton Heston award will be given periodically as the institute determines worthy recipients Heston, who turns 80 next week, was AFI board chairman from 1971-82 and AFI president from 1983-2002 |
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